(sorry for my bad grammar etc....)

Okay it happen twice, I made someone hurt because of my attitude.. same person, same mistake (yeah you can say how stupid I am for did same mistake). Because of this maybe (or already?) I lost a friend of mine, for me he is my dearest friend that could understand me. Last night when I have chat with him (after we settled a lot of things) I just realize that my feeling for him is more than best friend but I don't know is it love? or just admire? and I feel so stupid when he started being cold towards me.

I'm thinking, thingking, and thingking until I fall a sleep last night. Do I really love him? Or just love for big brother? if I do love him, what about my boyfriend? am I no longer love him? If I love my boyfriend why would I care more about him (my friend).

at first I think it's okay if he didn't put me as special person anymore, because I already made him hurt that bad. But it's very hurt when I can't see gentle and calm aura again from him.  I can't turn back time, he already give me 2nd chance before, and I ruined it like the 1st time.

When I woke up this morning, the first thing came to my mind is "should I met him and apologize to him once more?" but than I realize, what if he doesn't want to meet me? I'm still scare to take a move on him.

Stupid? Coward? yeah that's me... I just can say sweet words but can't do it by my self. I tried to change, but still can't do it. I'm to scare being hurt, I don't want to lose my friends again, but.... what I'm do right now just made me lost a dearest friend.

this morning, one of my friend said, "I still wanna force you to learn to be more willing to take action". and it reminds me, last night he also said same thing about how he already give a map to me and I need to take a step by my own.

after all of things that happen, some of outcome that come to my mind... I need to rearranges my own feeling. I can't continuous regretting, I need to move on right away. And I'll keep my feelings toward him as my treasure, if I have 3rd chance (but I think he won't give any chance) I'll say it directly what I want and what I choose....

===============

when I wrote this journal I turn on my winamp player and suddenly a song that I get from my friend started playing.... it quite shock for me and in a second a tears fall from my eyes... I'm sorry nii-san ... really-really sorry for hurting you again...

===================
(indo)
aaaaaah gue bego banget sampe nulis curhatan pribadi (about love) di jurnal DA.. tapi gue ga punya tumblr ato tempat membuang keluh kesah gue lagi. FB udah penuh sama coret2an gue, di twitter, gue bisa dilirik sama temen2 gue yg super duper ga penting... gue dah numpahin semuanya semalem, tapi pagi ini ngegalau lagi... jadi maaf buat semuanya yang merasa terganggu dengan jurnal ini..... gue beneran cuman pengen nulis apa yang ada di otak ma hati. Mungkin ini karma gara2 dulu gue ngetawain temen gue yang sring banget curhat soal masalah pribadinya dalam percintaan dan hubungan di jurnal DA, sekarang gue ngelakuin hal yang sama //plak

oke kembali ke aktivitas harian, saya balik nye-kripshit dulu~